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The Jester’s Quart
October 27, 2006
The Jester’s Quart: Wave of Controversy
Together as sports fans, I
think we can all agree on some points of revulsion.
We all hate the Pro Bowl. We all hate female play-by-play broadcasters who sound
like stuffy-nosed 13-year-old boys. We all hate long lines at the pisser, and
even longer lines at the beer stand after visiting the pisser. And we all hate
the Yankees. (Yes, even Yankees fans hate the Yankees now, so long as A-Rod is
penciled in on their next several postseason rosters. They'll go back to loving
the Yankees when he's Piniella's problem.)
But this across-the-board hatred of the Wave?
I don't get it.
An article on AirchairGM.com called it "one of the dumbest incarnations of fan
interaction," adding that "if security finds someone attempting to start a wave,
they should immediately tazer (sic.) said individual and bring him to the
clink." The great Deadspin.com ran a headline stating "Lord Help Us: They're
Doing The Wave At Wrigley."
When I was writing my book
"Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History," the
Wave was nowhere near making the cut. I didn't even consider it. I mean, how the
hell is some silly fan participation gimmick going to possibly compete with REAL
affronts to fandom like Variable Pricing (No. 70), Personal Seat Licenses (No.
42) and Artificial Turf (No. 7 with an ACL-tearing bullet)?
The Wave turns 25 this year. Some believe the tradition began at the University
of Washington in 1981, and then spread to Seattle Seahawks games at the
Kingdome. Others give credit to a "for-hire cheerleader" named Krazy George
Henderson, who claims he debuted it during an Oakland A's playoff game a few
weeks earlier. The latter claim dually disturbs me: that there are, in fact,
"for-hire cheerleaders" you wouldn't want at your bachelor party; and that
George Henderson is not "crazy" but "krazy," which means he's so balls-out
insane that customary spelling can't even contain it.
(For the record, officials at Washington acknowledged to the Associated Press
that Henderson pioneered the Wave but the Huskies popularized it, which is like
one radio shock jock saying he invented naked lesbians and the other one saying,
"Yeah, but I invented them kissing on the air!")
In those 25 years, the Wave had managed to enchant some fans and enrage many
others. From my own investigations, and through some informal discussions with
the Waveophobic, here are the primary catalysts for the phenomena I call "Wave
Undertow":
CONFORMITY:
Sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up. Those of us who fancy ourselves as
independent thinkers outside the hive mind have a natural allergy to something
so homogenously demanding. While everyone else is acting like they're on some
fun wooden roller coaster, these people are sitting on their hands, complaining
about the price of popcorn and wondering why they don't play more Joy Division
at the games.
DISTRACTION: With the
cost index of attending a sporting event being what it is, the Wave can be an
utter annoyance. We're all there to experience the game; the Wave is a separate
experience itself. Can you imagine being at the new Cate Blanchett movie, and
during one of the most emotionally grueling scenes someone stands up in the
corner of the theater and screams, "EVERYBODY...1, 2, 3, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!"?
OK, on second thought, that'd be killer funny.
IRONY: Gentlemen,
picture yourself in a bar, locking eyes with a beautiful blonde. As you're
drawing up battle plans to mack on her, over walks this
dumber-than-a-mentally-challenged-cinder-block goofus to apply layers of lame
game like spackle on this young lass. She's clearly not into it, turns and says
something to her friend, and leaves you, lame-o and the bar in her wake.
Your only thought? "Dude, you just ruined it for the rest of us."
I think most of the anti-Wave sentiment is based on this emotion. When you're at
a poorly attended game, sitting in the upper deck, and three morons try to start
the wave in a section that only has four people in it, you want someone to
cluster bomb them. Yes, we get the irony; but if I'm paying $30 to see a crappy
game with a crappy crowd, you don't have to point it out to me with your hipster
irony.
They ruin it for the rest of us, these people who try and start the wave at
inopportune times - no Waves in the third period or fourth quarter of a tight
game, EVER - or simply to make a spectacle out of themselves. There's nothing
wrong with the Wave itself; in an era where illuminated scoreboards and
ear-splitting music are the only means by which to arouse a crowd from their
collective malaise, the Wave is as organic an occurrence as you're going to find
at a sporting event.
Like I said: there's nothing wrong with the Wave, just with the people who start
it.
Like with the A-bomb, HOV lanes, celebrity reality shows and political attack
ads, we have to remember that as much as we might loathe the invention, it's the
inventor we have to hate with every ounce of festering bile and boiling anger we
can muster.
You hearing me, Krazy George?
 Get Greg Wyshynski's new book,
"Glow Pucks & 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History,"
available in stores and online now!
"The only folks who won't like this book are employers, whose employees will spend the day around the water cooler arguing over which idea was worse: the overtime shootout or Disco Demolition Night. Just as I had successfully eliminated some of these horrendous sports ideas from my memory bank, here comes Greg Wyshynski putting 'em on a tee, inviting readers to take a swing. Great stuff." -- Ernie Johnson, TNT's "Inside the NBA" |
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Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.
