The Jester’s Quart

September 29, 2006

The Jester’s Quart: The Hockey Cynic’s Guide To the NHL’s Eastern Conference

I have a problem with the pink jerseys.



I'm not one of these diehards bellyaching that girlie sweaters somehow undermine all that is great about hockey, like Dr. Hook going ballistic on the referee during Ned Braden's homoerotic striptease at the end of "Slap Shot." I might have done that 15 years ago, before the NHL legislated itself into a homogenous European league devoid of toughness and character. But since we still have the instigator rule as firmly in place as the salary cap, jerseys that look like low-rent pajamas from the Victoria's Secret reject pile seem more than appropriate.

No, my problem with the pink jerseys is that they're an insult...to female fans. Talk about not knowing your audience: has anyone in the NHL's marketing department ever even seen a puckbunny? If she's got anything hockey related on, she's either wearing what the players are wearing on the ice or - if she can pull it off - the tightest little babydoll T-shirt she can find with a logo on it. She's not wearing, to steal a phrase from Ralphie's father in "A Christmas Story," a "pink nightmare" like the allegedly feminized jersey above.

That was one story from the off-season. There were many, many more. Being the cynical bastard that I am, I bring you a preview of the 2006-07 NHL season, explaining why every single team in the league has virtually no chance of winning the Stanley Cup and why they're all pathetic messes. As always, we begin with the Prince of Wales Conference this week and then hit the Campbell Conference next week.

I know you'll enjoy this, because you and I are hockey fans. And as I once wrote: "We are the hockey fans. Lepers to the legitimate, creeps to the in-crowd. In the great cafeteria of sports, we sit at the table closest to the teacher's lounge; the one covered in old chewing gum and spilled chocolate milk where all the foreign kids converge at lunchtime."

With that in mind, here is "The Hockey Cynic's Guide To the NHL's Prince of Wales Conference."

ADAMS DIVISION

BOSTON BRUINS (29-37-16, 5th in the Northeast, Watched Joe Thornton in the playoffs.)

The most criminally underreported stat from the 2005-06 season was that Joe Thornton (125 points) outscored the combined output of the three players he was traded for (124 points). It's sad for the rest of us (though a Godsend for Bruins fans) that the principal idiots behind that monumental blunder won't have a chance to steer Boston into another iceberg this season. There really was nothing like Mike O'Connell trading away Boston's first hockey superstar since Cam Neely for a bunch of co-stars, and then hearing Harry Sinden react as though he was too busy playing with his grandchildren and tending to his stamp collection to notice that the deal was going down.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because Zdeno Chara might be 6-foot-9, but unless he's got McHale and Parrish playing next to him he's not winning a ring in Boston.

Worst Case Scenario: Phil Kessel becomes the most memorable Bruins rookie since Andrew Raycroft. And we all know how that turned out.

BUFFALO SABRES (52-24-6, 2nd in the Northeast, Lost to the Champs.)

I'm not quite sure how the Buffalo Sabres' uniform change became the fan-hatred magnet of the summer. Yes, the new logo looks like either an atomic garden slug, the love child of a gerbil and a cashew nut, or something your Uncle Murray might wear to a South Florida meeting of the Royal Order of the Water Buffalo.

But the bottom line is that this...



...is less offensive than this:



I'm not one of these revisionists who are suddenly treating the Blue-and-Gold Sabres uniform of old as if it were some kind of sacred shroud, drenched in tradition and mystique that defies the fact that Dave Suggerud wore one for 215 games. But they were light years closer to cool than those pseudo-ferocious red-and-black sweaters they flipped to in 1996. My, how distinct: only the Devils, Senators, Blackhawks, Hurricanes, Atlanta Falcons, Arizona Cardinals, Georgia Bulldogs, Portland Trail Blazers, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Texas Tech, Maryland and Rutgers have a similar color scheme.

Thank god the black uniform obsession is finally starting to ebb in the NHL; it was clearly the worst fashion trend in hockey, right up until the point when Alexander Ovechkin unleashed his closet on an unsuspecting public.

But what about those new Buffalo sweaters? The logo stinks, but the design isn't half-bad. C'mon, you know you dig those numbers on the front. It's OK to admit it; you're not part of some hive mentality that oppresses emotions and common sense for the sake of the greater good, like the Borg or the New Jersey Devils.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Many teams have taken the leap from conference final bridesmaid to Stanley Cup bride. But 110 points and six players with over 20 goals isn't going to happen again for Buffalo this season.

Worst Case Scenario: The Sabres miss the postseason, and Ted Nolan makes it.

MONTREAL CANADIENS (42-31-9, 3rd in the Northeast, Blew it against the Hurricanes.)

Entering last season, the Habs appeared to have a dynamic offensive team on paper. And then Ryder and Ribeiro regressed, Zednik had fewer power-play points than Craig Rivet, and the team made the postseason by keeping pucks out of the net rather than pumping them in. This summer, they added Sergei Samsonov, which will be great for the 2007-08 season when he knocks off the floating and is playing for another contract.

Has anyone pointed out that Cristobal Huet would be an amazing name for a Bond Girl?

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because I can't wrap my brain around the notion of a player like Guy Carbonneau coaching a player like Alexei Kovalev.

Worst Case Scenario: "Saku Koivu" and "injury" continue to be as synonymous as "Canadiens" and "former glory."

OTTAWA SENATORS (52-21-9, 1th in the Northeast, Spanked by the Sabres.)

Whoa, watch your fingers! That window of opportunity sure closed in a hurry...

The Senatorial apologists are trying to spin their off-season into some sort of underrated success, which is like saying Ottawa only missed the Stanley Cup last year by 10 wins.

Chara's loss leaves the defense with no teeth; but hey, at least they kept Wade Redden and his 50 points. How does Muckler sleep at night knowing he let one of the last true star defensive-defensemen slip away to a division rival for someone with exactly one more point than Marek Zidlicky?

And if Ray Emery's playoff performance is the reason you find yourself a goalie during the summer, how in the hell is that goalie Martin Gerber, who finally cemented his second-string status with last year's choke?

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because they're Ottawa.

Worst Case Scenario: The Senators, who struggled for years to build a home-grown team and challenge for the Cup, become a case study on how the new CBA can actually discourage parity between large and small markets.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS (41-33-8, 4th in the Northeast, Made John Ferguson fire Pat Quinn.)

[Somewhere in Toronto, Sept. 2005]

John: What do make of this "New NHL" stuff, Pat?

Pat: It's all horse-hockey. Like taking out the red line is somehow going to make the game faster. What's next? Using pixie dust to make the players fly? And I'll believe this "obstruction crackdown" when I see it.

John: Exactly. What these other teams loading up with young, cheap talent don't understand is that it's all about star power.

Pat: Eddie Belfour, Eric Lindros, Jason Allison, Owen Nolan...plus the unbreakable Mats Sundin and the unstoppable Tie Domi. They might as well just hand us the Cup now!

John: Seriously. [Raises a pint]. To old-time hockey, just like dad used to play! And to Pat Quinn, who as God as my witness will never leave the bench so long as I'm calling the shots here!

Pat: Here, here! Say, are you still looking to give McCabe that $29 million for five years? Aren't you worried about the salary cap?

John: The salary what now?

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: The youth movement shows potential up front. I like the moves they made on defense (from a hockey perspective, not an economic one). And Paul Maurice has been groomed to take over this franchise and make it something substantially better than it's been. But qualifying for the playoffs would be impressive enough with this squad.

Worst Case Scenario: Andrew Raycroft continues his slow transformation into Jim Carey.

PATRICK DIVISION

NEW JERSEY DEVILS (46-27-9, 1st in the Atlantic Division, Beat the piss out of the Rangers, and then I can't honestly remember anything after that.)

Low expectations, a goalie no one's willing to admit is as good as he's hyped to be, questionable scoring beyond the team's first line, and an ex-Canadien behind the bench.

In other words, the usual factors that lead to a victory parade around a parking lot.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Coincidences with past glory aside, the Devils are a wildly uneven squad. The top three offensive players - assuming Elias, Gomez and Gionta are Devils for the full campaign - are as good as any trio in the league. Beyond that, the team's looking to squeeze goals out of an inconsistent Jamie Langenbrunner, a yet-to-ripen Zach Parise, and as former Rangers coach Colin Campbell famously put it, "an interchangeable flock of forwards." On defense, for every solid vet there's a corresponding question mark. If everything - and I mean everything - comes together, this team challenges for a Cup in what should be Gomez's Niedermayer-esque swan song. If it doesn't, the Devils still make the postseason because of that guy between the pipes, but don't leave the first round. Unless they have another bye against the Rangers.

Worst Case Scenario: Lou Lamoriello refuses to learn the error of his ways and bolsters his defense by signing Rob Ramage and Brad Marsh to multi-year contracts.

NEW YORK ISLANDERS (36-40-6, 4th in the Atlantic Division, Are at least the second-most embarrassing franchise in New York as long as Isiah's with the Knicks.)

Now that the shock and awe of Rick DiPietro's 15-year deal with The Wang Dynasty has begun to subside, let's all thank the Islanders for bestowing a true gift upon the NHL and its fans: an automatic punchline.

I was interviewing Chris Clark of the Washington Capitals a few weeks back about being named captain of the team. The last question I asked him: "So, do you believe getting the 'C' brings you that much closer to that 15-year contract you've always wanted?"

Belly laughs, the both of us. I'm telling you, it's a sure-thing.

Beyond the lunacy of signing an average goalie for a decade-and-a-half, and naming your back-up goalie as the general manager, and allowing Tom Poti to find sanctuary in the defensive corps as angry Rangers fans chased him from Manhattan with lit torches, the craziest thing Charles Wang has done to this once-proud franchise is turn the front office into a boardroom. He wants as many cooks in the kitchen as he can get, which is a direct insult to a team whose glory years were solely prepared by Chef Arbour and Chef Torrey.

This team is such a laughingstock, I'm surprised they haven't dug the Aquafresh Gorton's uniforms out of mothballs to complete the look.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Next question.

Worst Case Scenario: Charles Wang names Garth Snow as his general manager. Wait...

NEW YORK RANGERS (44-26-12, 3rd in the Atlantic Division, Took the broom from the Devils.)

Joe McDonald, a friend and hockey writer from New York, asked me the other day whether there was anyone left to hate on the Rangers besides Jagr and Kasparaitis. So I took a good look at the roster and realized he was right: a team I have jeered until my throat was raw from the hatred and bile I spewed forth has suddenly morphed into something - gulp - likeable.

How can you not be fond of a kid like Hank Lundqvist? How can players like Ryan Hollweg and Jed Ortmeyer make your blood boil? Even the team's lone big-ticket free agent signing, Brendan Shanahan, is universally admired.

Combined with its workmanlike defensive system and its unprecedented fiscal responsibility, and unequivocally loathing the Rangers is no longer obligatory.

It's like going to see a "Friday the 13th" movie only to discover that Jason Voorhees has given up slashing co-eds for holiday wreath making.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because it isn't 2048 yet.

Worst Case Scenario: Lundqvist has a sophomore slump, the defense is Swiss cheese, and Jagr decides it's time for him to wear out his welcome.



PHILADELPHIA FLYERS (45-26-11, 2nd in the Atlantic Division, Buffaloed in the first round.)

The apocalypse. Armageddon. The end of life as we know it. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria.

Those were just some of the reactions by NHL general managers to Bobby Clarke's signing of Vancouver RFA Ryan Kesler to an offer sheet. My favorite came from the offended party, Canucks GM Dave Nonis: "I was told a long time ago that Bob Clarke would kick his grandmother down a flight of stairs if it would give him a better chance of winning."

He didn't kick his grandmother, Dave - he kicked you, square in the ass, on the wallet side. Publicly complaining about it makes you look like an amateur playing a professional's game, and makes Clarke look like he hasn't lost a step as a despicable nuisance since his playing days ended.

Isn't it refreshing to see one of these GMs have the balls to break up the RFA tea party once in a while?

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because their defense and goaltending is about as solid as the Cheese Whiz on a Geno's steak.

Worst Case Scenario: Peter Forsberg misses 55 games, scores 80 points in 26 games, and then gets hurt on the last night of the season before the playoffs.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS (22-46-14, last in the Atlantic Division, If their season were a slot machine, it would have a BAR and two blank spaces.)

As you all know, Sidney Crosby's official Web site is www.crosby87.com, a place I make sure to visit every single day in the hopes that the commemorative plaque with the autographed picture of him waving a Terrible Towel comes down from its current price $299 CA.

But what about the other Penguins? Don't they have super cool Web sites too?

I checked out www.Malkin71.com, and found myself staring at the home page for the Russian Hockey Digest. What a brilliant stroke of cyber-squatting. You thought it was tough getting out of Russia, Evgeni? Try getting this URL back...

That was about it. No Petrovicky26.com, or Fleury29.com, or Ekman28.com.

And, for some reason, Orpik44.com redirected to a site for Erik Cole's chiropractor...

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: The Penguins are certainly headed in the right direction, with two burgeoning megastars and a slew of young players with which to build around them. I just hope they can bring a Cup back to Pittsburgh before they bring one to Kansas City or Portland for the first time.

Worst Case Scenario: Sergei Gonchar plays as bad as he did for the first half of last season for the entirety of this season.

"THE SOUTH BEGINS AT K STREET" DIVISION

ATLANTA THRASHERS (41-33-8, 3rd in the Southeast Division, Missed the playoffs and it was all Kari Lehtonen's fault.)

Handicapping the Southeast is a very important thing for a hockey prognosticator like yours truly, because the odds are - long as they are - that one of these four teams is going to win the Stanley Cup this season.

With that in mind, the Atlanta Thrashers have some of the trademark signs of the out-of-nowhere-Southeast champion: dependable offensive stars, some solid role players (Niko Kapanen, Steve Rucchin and Bobby Holik, who may finally go back to being the grunt he was born to be), and a dynamic goaltender...when he's healthy.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: But that defense...ugh. Brining in Vitaly Vishnevski was a no-brainer, but in the end it's redundant: if the Thrashers' defense can do anything well, it's pummel the crap out of people in the corners. Offensively, it's got Greg de Vries (35 points) and Niclas Havelid (32); not exactly Paul Coffey and Larry Murphy back there. Hell, it's not even Paul Cavallini and Larry Carriere...

Worst Case Scenario: Down goes Lehtonen, and it's the Johan Hedberg show.



CAROLINA HURRICANES (52-22-8, 1st in the Southeast Division, Brought the big silver spittoon to NASCAR country.)

I know it's petty and I know it's tradition and I know his family has some engrained emotional ties with the city. But I also know, as a hockey fan, it absolutely steams my shorts that Doug Weight spent his day with the Cup in St. Louis while the ink for his name was still drying on the Blues' training camp roster.

Taking the Cup to the St. Louis Arch. Taking the Cup to Busch Stadium. Yes, it makes me a complete bastard to ridicule any trip that takes Lord Stanley's chalice to a children's hospital. No, it doesn't prevent me from thinking that a St. Louis Blue hauling Carolina's Cup to a city that's never been able to win its own is making a mockery of the Hockey Gods.

Well, that and the fact that Weight also took it to Joe Buck's house. I mean, now the Cup's just tainted, you know?

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because they almost didn't win it last year. If Buffalo wasn't playing with a defense held together with tape and prayers in Game 7, Carolina loses. If Edmonton doesn't morph into a team playing like it didn't belong in the Finals during Game 7, that contest is a hell of a lot closer than it turned out to be. The Hurricanes are going to be good, but a repeat is out of the question.

Worst Case Scenario: Cam Ward proves he was ready for a playoff run, but not for the following regular season.

FLORIDA PANTHERS (37-34-11, 4th in the Southeast Division, Squandered the sure-thing Hall of Fame career of Roberto Luongo...or at least that what Roberto Luongo thinks.)

My, how the mighty have fallen. Mike Keenan used to wear out his welcome after winning the Stanley Cup or at least making the Finals. Now he's parting ways before the season even starts.

So what is Jacques Martin left with after Iron Mike's departure? It actually depends on what direction Martin decides to take the Panthers. If he opens up the offense like he did with the Senators, then players like Bertuzzi and Jokinen are going to have stellar numbers. If he plays more conservatively, it'll help the still-gelling defense and a questionable goaltending tandem but will squelch any creativity up front.

By the way, seven players on the Florida roster were born before 1976, and seven were born after 1982. This team might have the chemistry of a "Saturday Night Live" cast in a transition season.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because there are more season ticket holders for the Florida Marlins than people who believe that Alex Auld and Ed Belfour can backstop this team to the Cup.

Worst Case Scenario: Roberto Luongo wins his first postseason game with Vancouver, and the Panthers have lousy beer at their viewing party to watch him.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING (43-33-6, 2nd in the Southeast Division, Still wondering what the hell happened.)

Do you think Jay Feaster sent Charles Wang a thank you note for making the Brad Richards contact the second most detested deal of the year?

I'm a Marc Denis fan, and I know quality goaltenders for a reasonable price aren't exactly plentiful in the NHL at this moment, but is his signing really any different than Gerber's with the Senators? Both Tampa Bay and Ottawa are built to win now, and they just brought in goalies for whom playoff success if a foreign concept.

And the fact that the team's defense is going to have more exposures on a nightly basis than a Tampa Bay strip joint doesn't help, either.

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because as much as I adore John Tortorella, something tells me this team's underachieving is starting to inch him closer to the door.

Worst Case Scenario: The power play stinks again, the team falls out of the playoff picture, and trade winds literally blow over Marty St. Louis.

WASHINGTON CAPITALS (29-41-12, last in the Southeast Division, Still watching that Ovechkin goal in Phoenix.)

This team is so clearly pointed towards winning next season, it's amazing they've been able to sell a single season ticket for this one. Super prospect Nic Backstrom will be the team's second-line center next year. The Capitals' AHL graduates will be steady sophomores next year. And GM George McPhee will be in a position to add a critical salary via trade or free agency with the playoffs finally back in sight for Washington.

So why watch this season? OK, there's still the unparalleled joy of seeing Alexander Ovechkin, reinventing what it is to be an NHL superstar with every goal, every history-making moment. He's going to be one year smarter, one year stronger, and he's actually going to have some offensive talent around him on the power play, which was fifth-worst in the league last season. If he scored 52 points on an awful power play; how many does he score on a good one? Yikes...

Why They Won't Win The Stanley Cup: Because Ovechkin can't do it alone.

Worst Case Scenario: Beyond a horrific injury to No. 8, is there one? I'm almost envious of Caps fans this season: it's like playing 82 games with house money, knowing that the hand that really counts will be dealt next year.

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Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.