|
|
|
|
|
|
The Jester's Quart
September 8, 2006
The Jester's Quart: Football Comes Full Circle
When I was a kid, going to church was a spiritual
experience; as in you'd need a steadfast spirit to weather the undeniable tedium
that dotted the road to salvation.
Wooden pews that were slightly less comfortable than the bleachers at Yankee
Stadium on a sold out afternoon. Monotone scripture readings that sounded like
C-SPAN on a valium
kick. A hymnal full of songs that really, really, really, really were in need of
some catchy hooks. All of it focused through a humorless old man in a frock,
looking like an extra from the Vatican scenes in "Godfather III."
Boring? Boring doesn't describe it. Even my father, devout as he is, would fall
asleep, his head bobbing down to his chest for a few seconds and before slowly
rising back up to focus on the altar. This would happen - and I'm being
conservative here - at least 50 times during an hour-long mass. Yet he'd scold
me if I ever rested my ass on the front of the bench while kneeling during
communion.
For a celebration of God, it was more like a birthday party for the kid nobody
likes in kindergarten. I often wondered what church would be like if I were a
Southern Baptist, what with the depictions I had seen in documentaries like "The
Blues Brothers."
But since I'd blend in there about as well as T.O. at a McNabb family reunion, I
never gave it chance.
Church was vanilla and tepid, but we went every week. Because it was an
entrenched part of our lives, a requiem for our identity and faith. We didn't
need bells and whistles to get us to come back; although bells and whistles
would have really helped the third verse of "Loving Shepherd of Thy Sheep."
Yet at some point during the MTV Generation, many faiths decided to court a new
audience by turning their masses into stage shows. Out goes old Italian priest,
and in comes hip young minister who wants to "rap" with you about the Lord. Out
go the stodgy piano-driven hymns, and in come the guitar-driven mid-tempo
Christian rock anthems. Video clips, packed auditoriums, light shows...I'm
sorry, did I just walk into a Coldplay concert by mistake?
These religions saw their attendance wavering, and took drastic measures, not
grasping this obvious concept: that there is always going to be devoted
followers, and those who feel obligated to attend, who will continue to show up
no matter how the material's being presented.
The same holds true for the Church of Sports on Television. Generations of
sports fans beget other generations of sports fans. Even if the numbers dip,
they aren't going anywhere - in the darkest days of the football, baseball and
basketball, those fans eventually came back to the Church.
But when you're spending billions of dollars for the right to bring the Church
to millions of homes, you're not about to take any chances. Obligation and habit
only go so far, goes the thinking; bells and whistles must be applied to keep,
and grow, that audience.
For years, ESPN has been a forerunner in technological advancements in sports
television. Its baseball coverage remains a digital marvel. It's even redefined
the way non-sports like poker, darts and golf have been presented.
Lately, it's been getting nutty with its inventions. Like when it showed a Duke
basketball game last season using only the cameras on top of the backboards on
one network and a more traditional view on another. And like on Monday, when
ESPN Full Circle debuted on the Florida State/Miami game: a dazzling
picture-in-picture-meets-split-screen concoction that covered nearly everything
on the field in small boxes. Both coaches were featured on the sidelines.
Another two cameras were on the quarterbacks at all times. Another two cameras
were focused from the end zone. Still another camera dangled over the field
(thanks, XFL).
These feeds were all presented in raw form, each taking up a small corner of the
screen. Think of the opening credits of "The Brady Bunch," only minus Robert
Reed and with Alice's
box about three times the size (you have no idea how dirty I feel right now
having just typed that).
Did it work? Most of the time; although without cutting to different shots, much
of the camera work reminded me of the "extreme close-up" bit from "Wayne's
World." I like seeing the head coaches at all times, but I don't need to see a
quarterback who's not on the field at all times. If anything, there needed to be
better selection of what to watch and when to watch it. A few shots of the crowd
at a college game wouldn't have hurt, either.
Still, it marks a significant innovation for football on television. I've long
said that the NFL - when it eventually does make all of its games pay-per-view -
should offer several channels for each game. If I want to watch Michael Vick for
three hours, I go to the Vick channel, which has a PIP version of the actual
game going in the corner of the screen while my camera's focused on Vick's every
move.
Full Circle brings us closer to that ideal, but isn't perfect. All of those
boxes probably looked great on a mega-screen in a sports bar, but not so much on
my HDTV widescreen, where they looked cramped. But the potential is there.
So why do it? Why change the scrolling side view of traditional football
coverage?
To snag the Madden fans. To get those A.D.D. Ritalin kids focusing on a new part
of the screen every few seconds. And, most importantly, to offer Generation Blog
a full-access pass to a sporting event that otherwise would only be available in
ESPN's mobile control room. This technology shows you more than you'll ever see,
or want to see.
Me? If you've read "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer," you know I'm a traditionalist.
I'm Pat Flippin' Buchanan when it comes to sports and sports on television. I'll
always need the conventional presentation of a football game in order to enjoy
it, but I wouldn't mind a second channel with all the ancillary stuff. I just
don't see Full Circle replacing the standard presentation any time soon.
One caveat: if ESPN ever finds a way to offer alternative audio tracks, I'm all
over it. Can you imagine having your choice of the usual football booth or, say,
a booth with Jimmy Kimmel, Larry David and Bill Maher?
Then again, if I wanted a banal host, a grating curmudgeon and an egomaniac, I'd
just watch "Monday Night Football."
God Bless the Church of
Sports Television,
where my father also nods off at least 50 times per event...
 Get Greg Wyshynski's new book,
"Glow Pucks & 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History,"
available in stores and online now!
"The only folks who won't like this book are employers, whose employees will spend the day around the water cooler arguing over which idea was worse: the overtime shootout or Disco Demolition Night. Just as I had successfully eliminated some of these horrendous sports ideas from my memory bank, here comes Greg Wyshynski putting 'em on a tee, inviting readers to take a swing. Great stuff." -- Ernie Johnson, TNT's "Inside the NBA" |
Add
This Column To Your Site for free
Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.
