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The Jester’s Quart
June 2, 2006
The Jester's Quart: Why The Spelling Bee Is Nothing Like A Sport
We begin with a brief
interlude inside the mind of "The Jester's Quart" columnist and well-reviewed
(at least in the one newspaper that actually did review
"Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History")
author Greg Wyshynski, as his
logic and sports fanaticism collide:
LOGIC: So what will it
be this week? An essay about why Babe Ruth's home-run record is as deserving of
an asterisk as Barry Bonds's? A diatribe about the evils of college sports
recruiting? Isn't it time to take Gary Bettman to the woodshed again?
SPORTS FAN: No one
cares about that nonsense today, man. It's all about the S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G B-E-A!
LOGIC: Ah, how cute.
You spelled it out. Incorrectly.
SPORTS FAN: What'evs...you
S-U-C-K, by the way.
LOGIC: Great. Can you
explain to me why Wyshynski should waste valuable column inches on the National
Spelling Bee? Which, last time I checked, was never going to be confused with
the decathlon when it comes to testing athletic aptitude?
SPORTS FAN: It was on
ESPN. That makes it a sport.
LOGIC: Like poker and
billiards.
SPORTS FAN: Right. If
ESPN broadcasts the thing, then the thing's a sport.
LOGIC: So by that
thinking, hockey would not be...
SPORTS FAN: (Grunts in
absolute rage) Hey Poindexter, here are another two words I just learned how to
spell: F-U-C...
LOGIC: ...Back to my
studies. I'm in the midst obliterating 95% of the plot from "X-Men: The Last
Stand."
--
I remember the first time I opened up the sports section and found coverage of
the Westminster Dog Show. I felt this jarring disorientation, like coming home
from work and finding out your wife has replaced your 12-pack of Sam Adams with
soy enemas.
Why was it covered in the sports section? Isn't a dog show basically the canine
version of the Miss America pageant, at least in the sense that a significant
amount of time is dedicated to celebrating good breeding, healthy teeth and
strong hind quarters?
What's even more amazing about the Kennel-Club-as-sport concept is that the
Westminster event is shown on the USA Network, which means it doesn't even have
the ultimate stamp of legitimacy for a sport: an ESPN logo in the top corner of
the screen.
We've talked about the ESPN effect before, and it's staggering to see how its
tentacles spread throughout every facet of sports, hobbies, entertainment and
general leisure activities. High stakes, no-limit Texas Hold'em is now a sport;
before ESPN got on the poker bandwagon, I'm pretty sure you couldn't buy a
starter set at the local Sports Authority. Bowling has long been categorized as
a sport, but ESPN is the one that put pro bowling news on its sports ticker at
the bottom of the screen. Billiards might not be widely thought of as a sport,
but watching it on ESPN could convince you otherwise. Heck, even golf is now
considered a sport thanks to ESPN...
And so is the National Spelling Bee. I watched the primetime coverage of the
event on ABC, and as usual it was compelling, enthralling and ultimately
heartbreaking - not from watching these children fall short of their dream, but
because of the harsh reality that I'd be working at a Wendy's right now if it
weren't for spell check. I don't want to say I'm a poor speller, but you really
should have seen what this sentence looked like before Microsoft Word saved my
ass (again).
The argument over whether the National Spelling Bee is or is not a sport is a
non-starter. The fact that ESPN raised this baby means that it's been nurtured
as a sporting event. The broadcast has the same bells and whistles applied to a
golf tournament or to the Summer Olympics:
- Little character vignettes
in which we learn the back-story and the quirks of each player.
- Camera angles that bring family members front-and-center as their children or
siblings compete.
- Sideline reporters; in this case former MTV movie maven Chris Connelly.
- A little piece of broadcasting heaven I like to call Robin Roberts.
And you can also bet on it. A
sports wagering Web site, for the first time, offered several different gambling
options on the National Spelling Bee this year: picking a male or female winner;
betting on "homeschooled" vs. public schooled; wagering on the geography of the
winner's hometown; even betting on the size of the winning word. And I'm sure
all of it was still easier than trying to bet on baseball.
That said, there's no way the National Spelling Bee could be considered a sport.
The event is just too different from the realities of modern-day athletics that
they're nearly opposing forces.
What do I mean? I mean there are...
12 GOOD
REASONS WHY THE NATIONAL SPELLING BEE IS NOTHING LIKE PROFESSIONAL SPORTS
The only performance-enhancing drugs found in the competitors' systems are hay
fever medication and Laffy Taffy...
The competitors have to take a written test which weeds out those who aren't
intelligent enough to compete in prime time. In other words, it's the antithesis
of the NBA Draft...
The complete lack of counterfeit scalped tickets and merchandise for sale
outside the arena...
Despite the significant percentage of non-Caucasians in the event, no one's
crying about "all those damn foreigners ruining America's game"...
Chris Berman has yet to discover a way to make the event all about him. (I'm
guessing finding a stupid nickname for a kid named "Kavya Shivashankar" might
have something to do with it...)
When a competitor is told his or her spelling of the word is incorrect, their
immediate response isn't to raise their hands in the air, curse out of the
referee and act like every mistake they make is somebody else's fault. (And
their parents don't run out to bump chests to argue with the bell-ringing lady,
either...)
There's no such thing as EA Sports Scripps Bee 2007...yet...
The official polo shirts the competitors wear prevent any of them from making
some additional coin by writing "GoldenPalace.com" on their backs in black
paint...
The female competitors receive the same attention as the male competitors; and
unlike in professional basketball, they aren't automatically considered to be
lesbians...
There's no fighting...
It's a championship event, yet there's not a single performance from the
Black-Eyed Peas or a reunited Destiny's Child during breaks in the action...
And finally, Pete Rose is, as of this writing, still eligible for the National
Spelling Hall of Fame...
T-H-E E-N-D
Get Greg Wyshynski's new book,
"Glow Pucks & 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History,"
available in stores and online now!
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Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.
