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The Jesters' Quart
May 26, 2006
The Jester's Quart: Turgid Truth About the World Cup
What's the most controversial, pressing issue in sports
today? The spread of performance-enhancing drugs? The scourge of athlete
misbehavior, on the field and off the field? The continued fiscal insanity of
professional teams? Gender and racial inequity?
None of the above, people.
It's dildos.
Pseudo-phalluses aren't exactly an abnormality in sports. They have a home in
the hands of baseball, hockey, golf and lacrosse players, not to mention javelin
throwers. Sometimes NFL running backs use them to try and beat a drug test.
They're also quite prevalent on the NHL's Board of Governors.
But the international soccer community is a different story when it comes to
bogus bones; as if you'd expect anything else from a sport where you can't use
your hands.
The Munich Tageszeitung newspaper reported that representatives for German
soccer stars Oliver Kahn and Michael Ballack were exploring legal options when
it was discovered their clients' names were being used to sell vibrators --
retailing at 69.90 euros each -- at a German sex shop chain. There was also a
battery-powered adult pleasure toy with David Beckham's name on it (well,
besides Posh Spice).
Give the porn shop, Beate Uhse, some credit, as it didn't blatantly use the
names of these players on its magic sticks. No, here's the ingenious part:
instead of "Oliver Kahn" on the dildo, it said "Ollie K."; rather than Michael
Ballack, it read "Michael B." Even more ingenious is the way Beate Uhse's vowed
that naming a vibrator "Ollie K" had nothing to do with the most famous athlete
in the entire country sharing that first name and initial. "We never had any
intention to make a connection between the vibrators on sale in our shops with
the names of 'Olli K.' and 'Michael B.' and the footballers," company
spokesperson Assia Tsernookoff told the German media. Brilliant!
Clearly, the publicity became too much for Beate Uhse to handle. It pulled the
puds off its shelves as a precautionary measure, despite continuing to claim it
had done nothing wrong in naming them: "If we had written the whole names, it
would certainly have become expensive for us. However, it is not forbidden to
shorten the names."
I think she has a point. It's like a blind item in a gossip column - it's up to
you to take the vague information provided and jump to your own conclusions. Do
you know how many people the 'Michael B.' model could have been the stand-in
for? What about action director Michael Bay? What about Cubs catcher Michael
Barrett? I imagine his model allows you to slide home, but then punches you in
the mouth if you slap the plate too hard.
What if you walked into your favorite American porn shop (c'mon, everybody has
one) and noticed a line of pinstriped pleasure props with "Derek J." or "Alex
R." on them? Who are we to tell the beautiful ladies of these United States that
they're forbidden to fantasize about a lustful evening with Shakespearean
thespian Derek Jacobi or comic book artist Alex Ross?
What about finding one labeled "Barry B."? You know, the one whose batteries
never seem to run out, but who'll never admit to being artificial? It's right
next to the "Rafael P." model, which won't work unless you spend a few extra
dollars for the little blue extender kit.
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!
There are several reasons why we'd never see any of these products on the market
here in the U.S. For example, Nike and Reebok can barely make shoes that don't
fall apart after a year. Would you trust them with something a bit more
sensitive?
Then there's the fact that professional athletes would never allow their names
to be used in conjunction with sex toys. Not because they'd be embarrassed like
their German counterparts; it's just that if a sports star in America wanted to
make some money in the sex business, he wouldn't have his name on a dildo. He'd
do it the old fashioned way: by leaking a sex tape on the internet featuring
himself and a famous heiress making love in the Arizona Cardinals locker room.
But the primary reason it'll never happen is our own sexual immaturity and
repression; compared to the rest of the world, we're about two sermons away from
sewing scarlet letters on our polo shirts.
Look at the international sex news preceding the World Cup. I have no idea who's
starting on defensive for the American side, but I know that soccer dildos have
been pulled and that fans attending the tournament should think twice before
having sex with a hooker. Could you imagine the same stories being reported
before the Super Bowl?
Other than soccer players not wanting to be seen as tools, the big news over in
Germany is that sex traffickers are expecting a rise in demand for prostitutes
during the World Cup, considering the world's oldest profession is legal over
there. But officials are warning that these pimps might smuggle in thousands of
women and force them into sex slavery to meet this unprecedented demand for
commercial nookie -- especially with both Italy and Brazil in the tournament.
European media outlets are doing their best to spread the word about this
potential human rights crisis during the World Cup. MTV, in fact, has been
working with British police on distributing literature to UK and German fans at
hotel and airports. I'm not sure how the Hare Krishnas are going to compete with
100,000 leaflets that have "THE TRUTH ABOUT HOOKERS" screaming at the top.
MTV has also enlisted the help of actress Angelina Jolie in the anti-trafficking
campaign, as she'll be used in print and televised PSAs.
And really...who better to convince millions of young men that they don't need
to have random sex with legalized prostitutes than "Angelina J."?
Get Greg Wyshynski's new book,
"Glow Pucks & 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History,"
available in stores and online now!
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Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.
