The Jester’s Quart

April 27, 2007

The Jester's Quart: Gary Thorne's Great Mysteries of Sports

Ed. Note: From time to time, columnist Greg Wyshynski is honored to hand over his weekly writing duties to a designated expert in a given field or a celebrity of famous, or infamous, reputation. Please welcome this week's guest columnist, Baltimore Orioles broadcaster Gary Thorne.

Hello everyone, this is Gary Thorne. You may know me from my work as a baseball, football and hockey play-by-play television broadcaster on networks such as ESPN, considered by many to be the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

You may remember me because I will, on occasion, mangle a statistic, twist a fact or botch the pronunciation of more names than a processing officer at Ellis Island in 1912. But I will always find work in the industry because I am well-spoken and have A BOOMING ANNOUNCER'S VOICE.

This week, I made some news when I mentioned during a Boston Red Sox/Baltimore Orioles baseball contest that catcher Doug Mirabelli had told me that the red blotch on pitcher Curt Schilling's sock, during Game 6 of the 2004 American League Championship Series against the New York Yankees, wasn't blood from his injured ankle but rather red paint. Something called a "blogger" heard my comments, typed them up, sent them to the Boston media; soon, myself and the Red Sox were being pestered by reporters about my claims.



It was then that I realized that I had made two critical mistakes: One, I spoke about the Boston Red Sox in a disparaging way, thus jeopardizing any future employment with ESPN; and two, I attempted to tarnish a season that for many Boston fans is the most important moment in human history since Jesus Christ walked the Earth. It was not my intention to be the Da Vinci Code of Major League Baseball.

It appears I simply misunderstood Mirabelli, taking what was clubhouse sarcasm, and some vague language on his part, and making the logical assumption that Curt Schilling was more interested in perpetrating a large-scale hoax than trying to help facilitate one of the most legendary comebacks in baseball history. It was a misunderstanding.

And, looking back on my storied career as a professional sports broadcaster with A BOOMING ANNOUNCER'S VOICE, I may have also had a few more misunderstandings. Just to clarify:

Goalie Clint Malarchuk Actually Did Get His Throat Sliced Open During A Game: On March 22, 1989, St. Louis Blues player Steve Tuttle's skate caught Malarchuk on the neck; before you knew it, Malarchuk was on the ice in pools of what appeared to be his own blood and allegedly came within minutes of dying from the injury.

Some years later, I spoke with one of Malarchuk's teammates on the Buffalo Sabres about the incident. He told me he had never seen anyone in so much pain. I, however, was completely convinced he said "so much paint" and...well, you can see where this is going. Turns out Malarchuk actually did have his external carotid artery sliced open. It was a misunderstanding.

Joe Namath Actually Did Guarantee A Victory In Super Bowl III: Legend has it that three days before Jets quarterback Joe Namath led his team is an enormous upset victory in Super Bowl III over the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, he responded to a heckler by saying, "We'll win. I guarantee it."

Some years later, I was near the Jets locker room when I distinctly heard Namath tell the other party in a telephone conversation, "No, it wasn't guaranteed." Logically, I believed he was speaking about Super Bowl III; turns out he was referring to the maintenance plan for the Cadillac he had just purchased. It was a misunderstanding.

Kirk Gibson Actually Was Injured During The 1988 World Series: In Game 1 of the 1988 World Series, Dodgers pinch-hitter Kirk Gibson hit a 3-2 slider from Oakland A's closer Dennis Eckersley over the wall for a home run, winning the game in the bottom of the ninth with two outs. Television cameras caught Gibson limping around the bases, allegedly in pain after severely injuring his leg in the National League Championship Series.

Some years later, I asked Gibson whether his injury was a hoax. "Are flippin' serious?" he said, only he didn't say flippin'. "My flippin' leg was more flippin' damaged than your flippin' face will be if you ever flippin' ask me that flippin' question again, you stupid flip."

Logically, I assumed that Gibson's tirade was clubhouse humor, acknowledging the fact that he had faked his injury and used that silly pimp-limp to boost his own celebrity. It was a misunderstanding.

Cyclist Lance Armstrong Actually Did Have Cancer: In 1996, Lance Armstrong allegedly underwent chemotherapy for testicular cancer that metastasized to both his lungs, abdomen and his brain. One doctor gave him a less than 3 percent chance of survival, and he lost one of his testicles during the treatment. He, of course, went on to win seven consecutive Tour de France championships.

Some years later, I was at a charity event and heard Lance Armstrong say, "I never had it." Logically, I believed he was speaking about stage three nonseminomatous testicular cancer; turns out he was talking about Ethiopian food. It was a misunderstanding.

So there it is. Not a mea culpa; just like I told the media after The Painted Sox story this week, "I don't feel bad about doing what I thought was right and what I believed."

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go interview a gentleman who recently threw a clock out of his bedroom window. I understand he had a strong desire to see time fly.

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Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.